A long overdue update...

Wow, it's been a horribly long time since I've posted here. In case there is anybody left who still reads this (which I seriously doubt, so we'll just call this a journalling post, for posterity), my blog has been dormant, but is still active. I am hoping to post a little more regularly. I'd like to say I'll post once a week, but realistically, once a month is something I think I can achieve. And now, I'll share the reason for my extended absence: I've gone back to work!!

Going back to work is kind of a big deal for me, because I'm an academic with a Master's degree in political science, which means that there aren't a load of jobs in my field. In fact, here in Grande Prairie, there is exactly one job in my field: teaching at the local college. And while I had a sessional gig there back in the spring of 2008, I really had no reasonable expectations that I might be able to work there again. However, fate or god(dess) or whatever you choose to call serendipity intervened, and voila! I have been working full-time for the last semester, teaching political studies! This really has been a godsend, because teaching is what I love to do. It has been a ridiculous shitload of work, but it's a ridiculous shitload of work that is incredibly rewarding and so, I am very thankful for it.

Because of the whole back-to-work thing, Baby A, my darling-ist girl, has been in daycare since July. And I have to say, I was really kind of worried about daycare. I always kind of assumed, in that foggy-distant-plans sort of way, that I'd stay home with my kids for the first few years. I didn't have any good reasons for this plan, as I've always been somebody who enjoyed working, but the amorphous plan was there nonetheless. However, when the opportunity to teach came my way, I really couldn't say no. It's a major step towards my long-term career goals, and one that is VERY rare for someone with only a Master's degree, as opposed to a Ph.D. Plus, financially, staying home really wasn't an option.

So, in an incredible stroke of luck, Baby A was offered a spot in the College's daycare, and off she went. And I just need to take a second to rave about the daycare and the incredible staff there. I just cannot tell you how amazing it is to feel like your child's caregivers truly, honestly care about her. The ladies there really worked at helping Baby A adjust to being away from me, and made my transition so much smoother for their caring and love. I feel like I had a whole team of people working to help raise her - they helped teach her to walk, to sign, to sing songs (and do the actions - let me tell you, her rendition of The Wheels on the Bus is fab-o-luss!), and so much more. It really has been an incredibly positive experience, for which I will be forever grateful.

This semester, I'm down to part-time, and Baby A is now staying, with my wonderful Seester a couple of days a week, Grandma once a week, and home with me the rest of the time. I'm only in the first week, but all indications are that this is going to go fairly well.

I'm going to leave this post for now, on the promise that I will be back with further updates before the end of January. And pictures. Lots of pictures!

To Sum Up, Conflicted.

Today has been a long day. Not in any particularly bad day - BabyA is not sick or anything, and neither am I. It was just a long day of meeting the demands of an 8 moth old baby, and kind of being stuck in the house. And when GeekDad got home, he was exhausted, so I got to mind BabyA most of the evening as well. Which kind of sucked.

Don't get me wrong. I adore my girl in ways I cannot express in words. I could rhapsodize about her for days on end. But some days all I want is to be able to do something I want to do without being at the beck and call of my little one. Without having to be the one to feed her and entertain her and teach her and change her. Because even when GeekDad is minding her, I'm still the go-to girl for the unexplained wailing and flailing, and especially, for the boobie juice. And once in a while, just for a little bit, I wish for the untetheredness I used to have.

Days like today I feel very conflicted. Because generally I love being at home with my girl. There is nothing like having a little one erupt in gales of laughter simply because you waggled your eyebrows at them. Or watching her bounce up and down just because I stopped loading the dishwasher to look at her. It really is fabulous.

But on days like today I realize that I look forward to working again. To be teaching, and researching, and helping people, and being an adult in an adult world. I struggle with this, wondering if working at a regular job will make me a better mom, or a worse one. Will I be the mom who comes home rejuvenated from doing something I like, to be enjoy her baby all the more for having been away, or the one who is exhausted from trying to juggle more things than she is capable of and end up doing all of it poorly? I know the answer is likely somewhere in between, and will likely depend on the day. But knowing that in my head does nothing to relieve the conflicted, jittery emotions. Blah.

So, to sum up, today I'm feeling whiny and conflicted. Sorry I've subjected you all to this little rant. Just had to put it out there.

In other, less whiny news.....

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(please imagine angelic singing here).

I got the damned breadmaker to work for me, instead of against me. Finally. I ended up googling breadmaker problems, and found this website, which suggested less water and more salt, among other fabulous tips. And you know what? It worked!! I have an actual domed-top loaf, if slightly smallish, loaf of honey whole wheat bread. Yay!!!

Also in less whiny news, there is this. For which I am eternally and unequivocally grateful.

(Mis)Adventures in Baking Bread, also known as that ^#%#@@!!! Breadmaker.

It has been a bit of a rough week around Casa de la Maison. BabyA has been sick with a cold, and not surprisingly, cranky as all get out. The good news is that she seems to be past the worst of it. There was much less snot and crankiness today, and she seems to be able to nurse again, thank GAWD. I seriously cannot say how thankful I am for a healthy baby.

In other news, my *&(*&%&^$$%^&#$!!!!!!!!!!! breadmaker. My mom purchased us a breadmaker last weekend, and I've have yet to get a normal loaf out of the damn thing. I wish I had taken pictures of each loaf as I went, but that didn't occur to me until it was too late, so this picture of my most recent loaf will have to scar your psyche stimulate your imaginations.



Note the caldera-like crater in the top of the loaf. This is due, I believe, to an overabundance of yeast in the recipe, which causes the bread to over-rise. And by over-rise, I mean rise so much that it pushes up the lid of the breadmaker like a whole-wheat balloon, punctures the loaf, and then collapses back in on itself, all while leaving a rim of bread flopping over the top of the pan which subsequently burns and leaves the top of the loaf a doughy, under-cooked mess. GRRRRRAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!

Seriously, I wish I could show you pictures of the first loaf of lovely Cracked Wheat Sandwich Loaf pushing up the lid of the breadmaker and leaking halfway down the sides of the f)(*(&%^$^%%^(^'n machine. (I think a picture of the look on my face when I came downstairs and discovered this state of affairs might afford you a few laughs, but I didn't get one of those either). This was the loaf where I used 1 1/2 x the called-for amount of yeast, on the advice of my mother, who said we live at a higher altitude, and therefore I would likely need more yeast, and her boss had baked a perfect loaf by doubling the amount of yeast called for. So I chalked that one up to too much yeast.

One the second loaf, I followed the recipe perfectly. And the result? Almost exactly the same as the first. Exploding dough? Check. Burnt crust? Check. Undercooked top? Check. Grrrarrrggg? Check.

For my third loaf, I used a whole wheat recipe from the internet, instead of from the instruction booklet. It was a smaller recipe, and used considerably less yeast, so I figured at most I'd have a too-small loaf. But no, I got ANOTHER perfect caldera-loaf.

Try number four was a white-bread loaf from the instruction booklet again. I figured maybe it was the flour I was using or something. I got a very pretty loaf of bread, tasty, nicely browned, AND AS DENSE AND HEAVY AS A GAWDDAMNED POUND CAKE. Seriously.



I know this picture looks all pretty, but my friend T actually gasped when I handed him a piece. It's ridiculous.



So this picture? Is try number five. This time again with the Cracked Wheat recipe from the instruction booklet, but with 1 3/4 tsp. yeast instead of the called-for 4 tsps. I'm talking less than HALF the amount the recipe says. But, as you can see, I've once again achieved a beautifully crusted, heavy as hell, caldera loaf. I think perhaps I purchased some kind of mutant over-achiever yeast or something, which is actually depressing, because by the time I've figured out this recipe, I will be out of yeast and may be right back at the beginning. I'm already running out of flour, powdered milk, and cracked wheat. Seriously.

I'm going to try this recipe one more time, this time with 1 1/2 tsps. of yeast, because I know that the dough only overexpanded close to the end of the cycle this time. I checked it with about 15 minutes left, and the dough was near the top but not touching it. So here goes. If I get a good loaf, I'll jump up and down for joy, have a celebratory drink, Twitter about it to all my followers, and blog about it asap. Come to think of it, I'll probably do the same if it fails again too. Ah, whatever. C'est la vie, or le pain, as the case may be.

Not the soundtrack of the Oscars, but the Oscars as soundtrack.

You would think after 8 months with BabyA that I would've learned that one cannot pay close attention to Television Events and parent. Generally these days, I tend to catch bits and pieces of shows, but rarely an entire coherent narrative. So what in the hay-ell, you might ask, possessed me to think that I could watch the Oscars? While caring for sick baby, and making supper, and unpacking a new breadmaker, with the intention of making bread? That, my friends, is a most question.

Here's the thing - I love, love, love watching the Oscars. If I knew enough other people in this town who also loved the Oscars, I would host a party with those tiny little hors d'oeuvres and lots of alcohol and an Oscar pool. I would even host movie nights before the Oscars, just so we could all see the movies that have been nominated. I'm not sure why I love them so much, because I haven't usually seen all, or even most of the nominated movies. I usually end up just cheering for whatever I've seen. But I get a crazy kick of watching people dress up in ridiculously expensive and beautiful outfits and celebrate the wackiness that is Hollywood.

This year, I got to spend the evening with GeekDad who patiently sat through hours of boring entertainment stuff', and even gave me updates of what was happening while I unpacked groceries and made dinner.
"OK, now it's the best soundtrack. OK,. there's two songs from Slumdog, and one from Wall-E. OK, the one from Slumdog won."
All this while entertaining a slightly manic and sickly baby. The man is a gem, I tell you

I really didn't get to watch much of the Oscar broadcast at all - it was more like the they were soundtrack for my evening of doing other stuff. My overall impressions were lots of Hugh Jackman (which is NEVER a bad thing) and musicals (which is slightly more questionable). I think that the Oscar producers were/are trying to get back to an old-school dramatic feel, as opposed to the kind of cynical, self-reflexive comedy that they've gone with in recent years. Unfortunately, I didn't actually see enough of the broadcast to tell you whether or not it was successful. I came in about the time that Kunio Kato ended his acceptance speech for best animated short with "Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto," and you know, I think that may have been the high point of the evening. By the time the big awards were on, BabyA had reached her limit, and we were off prepping her for bed.

Which brings me to what was the defining not for my weekend. BabyA's cold has reached that point where she is too stuffed up to breastfeed, and despite our best efforts at nasal hydration and homeopathic remedies, any attempts at feeding result in frustration on both our parts. I find it heart breaking, because I know she feels shitty, and I want nothing more than to comfort her, but everytime I try to cuddle her, she seems to become frustrated that I can't giver her what she wants. GeekDad actually rocked her to sleep for the first time tonight, which I'm ever so grateful for. I just wish it were under less stressful circumstances. All I can say is that I this had better not be a result of teething, because DAMN. This sick baby stuff is rough on all of us.

What's on my mind...

I've been struggling somewhat with blog posts, especially with topics. One of the things I enjoy most about the blogs I read is they have posts are well thought out, insightful, and especially, thought provoking. And I've been trying to emulate this, but I find it really difficult to carve out enough space in my day to sit down and write, think, edit, and rewrite to come up with these types of posts.

However, I've realized that while the blogs I love have these incredibly insightful posts, they also have posts which simply catalog the miscellany of the authors. And you know what? I also enjoy these posts! They are funny and interesting, and create a sense of camaraderie with their readers. I think if I start allowing myself to do these types of posts as well, I will feel less pressure, and it may help my creative process. Then, when I have longer stretches of free time, I can work on the more time consuming posts.

So, here goes with my miscellany post for today. BabyA is seven months old, and doing really well. She has reached an age where she really interacts with us, joining in the little games we play. One of the things I enjoy the most is her anticipation of things. When I count to three before tossing her in the air, she starts smiling at my "One..., Two...," before she even gets tossed. When we play All Around the Garden, she giggles before the tickling even starts. Half the time I don't even get to the end of the rhyme before I start laughing at her giggles. This, truly, is bliss. She has also begun moving from a sitting position to her belly, and doing this on purpose, as opposed to the uncontrolled flailing of earlier months. She is usually in pursuit of a toy, and I know this is just a precursor to crawling, which I'm both looking forward to and dreading.


In topics other than BabyA, I'm finding myself with a little more time on my hands, as BabyA can amuse herself for longer periods of time, and I feel like my brain is stretching after a long case of being figuratively snowed-in with the parenting minutia. I'm starting to feel a longing to focus on other things, and I'm not really sure where to settle that focus. I think I'm going to start looking for an appropriate journal to send my master's thesis to, to see if I can get it published somehow. It would go a long way towards building up my CV and my sense of focus. I'm also thinking I'd like to do some volunteer work for some of the organizations that do work around human trafficking (the topic of my thesis). I'm not sure what kind of things can be done from a distance, but I think I'm going to check into it.

Another project I'm going to begin is going through my grandmother's notes. Just after I had BabyA, my dad gave me a folder full of miscellaneous little notes and stories he'd collected from my grandmother. I'd like to get them typed out and bound into a little book of some kind, for BabyA and her cousins. My grandma is now 82, and getting more frail all the time, so I'd like to get this project done while I can still get some input from her. I'd also like for her to see it. I think I'm going to post a least parts of this project on my blog, so stay tuned!

Anyway, that's all for the day. BabyA is waking from her nap, so my 20 minutes of free time are now up. See you round!!

Surfin' the Chores, or, Terminally Distracted

So my friend J and I are talking at lunch the other day, and she tells me how she spent an entire Saturday working her butt off, and yet failed to finish the task she started out with in the morning. In her case, the ambition to pickle beets led to doing a quick sink of dishes, which led to a quick swipe of the stove, and to an all out oven scrub, and then cleaning the basement... you know how it goes. Or at least I do.

I start with unloading the dishwasher, and then head upstairs to collect dishes and get distracted by the dirty laundry, and then the recycling which I need to sort catches my eye, and then GeekDad is home, and I have yet to unload the dishwasher. It's like surfing the internet, where you start out with a particular topic or page or what have you, and suddenly hours have passed and you are watching Rick Astley videos and cracking up over grammatically challenged cats.


I never used to be this easily distracted, but since the birth of BabyA, I feel as though my sense of focus is on indefinate leave. I desperately hope think, or hope, that this is just a function of motherhood, and the fact that since having BabyA, I don't think I've spent more than 15 or 20 minutes doing any single task except feeding. Even playing with BabyA involves frequent changes of activity - 15 minutes of lap excercises, 10 minutes of reading a book, 15 minutes of tummy time, 5 minutes on the change table, etc., etc. On the rare occasion I am doing something for a slightly longer period of time, it's usualy with divided attention, as in holding BabyA and eating lunch, or playing with her while I try to catch a few minutes of the morning news.

I miss having focus. I miss being able to start a task and finish that same task without being dragged off to something else. I know that its part and parcel of being a parent, and I wouldn't change my life for anything, but damn it, this distracted brain of mine is going to be the death of me, I swear.