20 January 2009

Destroying the hamster wheel, a la the Office Space fax machine

I need to start with an explanation of why I've been absent for the last couple of weeks or so. Our desktop's memory, both RAM and hard drive, have been close to full for, oh I don't know, a year or so. So when my fabulous computer expert brother was up visiting the first week of January, he installed a new, larger, prettier hard drive, as well as some RAM. He also installed a new antivirus program. Now, I'm not sure what exactly it was, but something that he and I did during this period messed with our NIC (network interface card). Now this may sound like a bunch of nonsense phrases to you, but what it translates to is - the Interweb gods were denying me access! No internet, no MamaPop, no Her Bad Mother, no Sweetney, no Sundry and woe is me, no blogging! So what did I do? I rent my garments and covered my head with sackcloth and ashes, that's what. Seriously, what ensued was a panicked back up of all our documents, music and pictures, a complete rewrite of our hard drive, and reinstallation of the necessary software. Actually, that last part still isn't done, but I do at least have access to my beloved crack interweb. Sweet bliss!

Now that that confession is finished, on to another. I've been struggling a little with the blogging topics, in part because I'm stressed over something and wasn't sure if I wanted to share. But it strikes me that a big part of the reason I love the blogs I do is that the authors of them are so heartrendingly open with their struggles. So here goes.

I know I've mentioned on here earlier that I have lost quite a bit of weight with my pregnancy. And that has been absolutely thrilling. I didn't realize how very happy I was with this until I started putting some of the weight back on. Now, thanks to Amalah and Kirstin and a kind fitness instructor who spoke at BabyA's playgroup, I understand that breastfeeding can lead to an increased appetite and weight gain, but still, the re-gain of this weight is terrifying me. And when I say terrifying, I mean I woke up at three o'clock in the morning and began OBSESSING about my weight, and how much I do NOT want to go back to my pre-baby weight, because I want to be healthy for my daughter. This led to berating myself for trying to satisfy my breastfeeding appetite, which led to an argument with myself about the need to eat healthy and not diet while breastfeeding, which led to... There you have it, the hamster wheel of my brain, in the middle of the night, when I am stressed about something. Let's just say that the hamster wheel kept me awake for an hour and a half. Ugh.

This weight thing is truly stressing me out. I gained a grand total of seven pounds with my pregnancy, because I was very overweight to begin with. So the pregnancy weight gain didn't really bother me. However, I think I may be realizing how scary it was for other women now. And my inclination when something stresses me out is to lock it deep inside and talk about it to NO ONE, because I am ASHAMED of my problem. Which, you know, not so conducive to actually dealing with the issue. And also, definitely conducive to more nights of hamster-wheel induced insomnia.

So, I'm destroying the hamster wheel, Office Space style. In the interest of getting some sleep, I'm talking about my weight on this blog because I know just talking about it will bring some relief - acknowledging your issues and all of that. I'm also making a list of things I want to do about it. I'm going to make an appointment with my doctor to talk about losing some weight, and to see if she can recommend a fitness counselor who I can talk strategy with. I'm going to make arrangements with my mother-in-law to bring over the exercise equipment she offered, and not wait until we find space for it, because that just gives me an excuse.

Finally, I'm also soliciting ideas from you, dear readers. Any suggestions on books, programs or general states of mind which helped you in this area?

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